Please Don't Hex Me Baby!
by E.A. Hopkins
Summary: Oneshot! Lily and James share an interesting conversation about France, boy's hygiene, Quidditch, stealing cauldrons, treacle pudding and bludgers. And no, I'm not insane.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Hogwarts or these characters they are property of J.K. Rowling

**Author's Note:** I was bored when this conversation popped into my head. I don't know quite why, it just happened. Please read, REVIEW, and enjoy.

**Please Don't Hex Me Baby!**

"_Please don't hex me baby! You know that I love you." _

Lily felt her stomach twist as she heard a boy's voice singing, quite badly, from the general direction of the portrait hole. Wiping the tears from her face, she peeked over the top chair she had been flopped in, only to see the Common Room's new visitor was James Potter. "Oh it's you." She said, turning back to gaze at the fire moodily. Just what she needed; another round of ridicule by the insensitive idiot, that in some odd turn of events, had become not only Headboy but a friend of sorts. Perfect.

Not even noticing her obvious state of anxiety, he happily threw himself on a plush chair across from her, swinging his legs over the arm. "I love you too gorgeous." He grinned playing around with the snitch in his hand.

"James I'm not in the mood to joke with you right now." Lily sighed, giving him a warning look. "If you haven't noticed I'm a bit preoccupied."

"Well, I wasn't lying; you really are gorgeous, and Lily I love you. I want to marry you." James said to himself, knowing full well Lily hadn't heard a word he had said. She was already caught up voicing her own thoughts aloud; a habit he had noticed came about when she was stressed out. Grinning to himself he continued with his own conversation, while Lily was caught up in her rant.

"Though, it's not like you ever notice anything besides your own big fat head."

"I was thinking we'd buy a little house in the South of France, and then have a dozen kids or so."

"Anyway, it's not like you'd care or anything, but I just embarrassed myself abominably; and in-front of all the prefects to boot!"

"Now I know what you're thinking, the French are…well the French."

"I thought that Ravenclaw prefect McGraw, you know he one with the squinty eyes and crooked teeth."

"And they were mortal enemies with Britain like forever."

"Merlin, his teeth are so distracting. You can hardly look, let alone think about anything but them when you try to talk to the boy."

"I wouldn't quite say mortal enemies. More like rivals."

"His breath isn't too pleasant either, though I've already come to the realization that 98 of the male population in this school cease from participating in anything that could be mistaken for hygiene."

"And it's not like that's a bad thing. Well, I mean it's not like competition's unhealthy. If it were, everyone who ever played Quidditch would be viewed as mentally unstable."

"Well back to the point, so I was giving them their assignments for the month, which you were supposed to help me with, you lazy sod."

"We'd all be shoved in the loony bin."

"Anyway, I was handing them all their assignments, when this McGraw fellow made a comment about my 'bludgers'."

"And civilization would come to an end, due to a lack of entertainment."

"Well naturally I thought he was making some lewd reference to my…well, anyway, I gave him a good hex in his own 'bludgers', if you get my meaning."

"There would be chaos in the streets; people breaking windows, stealing cauldrons, that sort of thing."

"Only, it turns out he wasn't talking about my, well, 'not-so-great-tracks-of-land', if you will."

"Actually, I suppose it would be quite difficult to steal a cauldron; they are quite heavy."

"I had been wearing my Holyhead Harpies scarf; you know the one with the little bludgers that float around knocking down the little Heidelberg Harrier players."

"I myself, struggle to lug mine about to potions, even when I've magically shrunk it. Then again, it doesn't help that Slughorn gave us that ridiculously heavy text."

"Well it turns out, McGraw was looking at that and not at my…well you knows."

"Actually, I only took N.E.W.T. potions to be with you. I hope you appreciate all I sacrificed for you."

"So now McGraw's in the hospital wing until his…um…well _that_ heals."

"Slug horn's an absolute prat."

"And Madame Pomfrey's not sure if my 'hexing fervor' might have enabled his ability to reproduce."

"I also have a theory that Sluggy's the reason there's been a sudden shortage of treacle pudding at the students tables. I mean house elves can only cook so fast."

"I just feel so awful about the whole thing and…wait. What did you say?" Lily suddenly stopped, and looked pointedly at James, snapping him out of his reverie.

"Huh?"

"I said, what did you just say?" Lily said impatiently.

"The thing about the house elves being forced to fill Slughorn's unreasonable demand for treacle pudding?"

"No, it was before that."

"Er…Slughorn's a prat and I only took potions because of you?"

"No, it was before than that."

"Well…oh right, you mean the thing about how the world would be in mass chaos without Quidditch. Very true you know."

"No Potter. It was before that too!"

"Um…damn the French?" James said nervously, now fully aware of what she meant. For the last few months, he'd been following Moony's advice and hadn't harassed Lily romantically at all. Besides the occasional flirtatious comment, he had ceased from asking her out completely. To his great surprise, he had gained Lily's friendship, granted the majority of their time was spent insulting each other; it beat her not talking to him at all. The last thing he wanted was to ruin that all.

"James, it was before that too."

"I…you…you're-really-gorgeous-and-I-love-you-and-I-want-to-marry-you-buy-a-house-in-France-and-have-dozens-of-Quidditch-playing-children." James said quickly, wincing, ready to face the wrath of Lily. The two sat in silence while Lily stared incredulously at James. Finally Lily found her voice.

"You're such a chauvinistic arse, James." James felt uncharacteristic heat rising to his face, as he sat under Lily's scrutiny. "If you honestly think I'd be willing to have a _dozen_ children, you've gone completely mad. Two maybe, but even three's pushing it." James stared at her in shock as she began gathering her books together and placing them in her bag. "I'm going to go apologize to Felix McGraw, thanks for listening James."

"Wait!" James finally squeaked out as Lily approached the portrait hole. "You said, I mean, do you mean that we are, well you are…what I mean to say is do you wanna…um or was that just…"

"I'll see you around James." Lily said wryly at a bewildered James and quickly exited the Common Room. James sat frozen staring at where Lily had just stood. Suddenly he let out a joyful whoop and bounced wildly off of his chair.

"_Please don't hex me baby! You know that I love you!" _James continued to croon, playing with his snitch once again.


End file.
